“Why I Find It Difficult To Get Out And About Socially At This Time?”

05/01/2012

By Howard Lovely, Jr.

Several days ago a very sweet Woman who lives in San Diego asked me several very profound questions. She and I met on a dating site called “NoLongerLonely.com” a few weeks ago. This site was started several years ago by a Man whom is dealing with his own Mental-Health issues and the dating site is geared specifically toward individuals living with various types of Mental-Health challenges. Anyway,…she and I have been exchanging e-mails, phone calls and generally being supportive of each other on our individual journey.

The other day she asked me:

1. “Why do you find it hard to get out and about?”

2. “How can you help yourself?”

3. “How can I help?”

In the moment while on the phone with her I said “I don’t know” but that I will think about it and let her know on another day. Several days have gone by and on every single day since that phone call I have had this feeling gnawing at me from the inside. I finally was able to identify several of my feelings or states of mind. Yesterday while on the phone with this Woman I told her what I have been able to identify so far: arbitrary embarrassment, Shame and Guilt.

According to Websters Dictionary:

Embarrass – To make self-conscious or ashamed.

Shame – A remorseful consciousness of guilt.

Guilt –  The fact of having violated law or right. A sense of  having  committed a wrong.

Under “normal circumstances each of these elements helps to maintain a civilized culture by having each individual self-govern from the inside out based on agreed upon general societal rules. However,..in my personal experience during the past 40 years and especially in my formative years as a child,…either I was given faulty rules & beliefs or I definitely created my own most likely to stay “safe”. I’ve come to the conclusion that these three “thieves”(Embarrassment, Shame & Guilt) seem to be running around through the “countryside” of my brain wreaking-havoc in the name of “keeping me safe”. All the while robbing me…!!! If something sounds wacky about that analogy,….that’s because it is. It’s an automated and twisted thinking dynamic that takes place in my brain. It reminds me of the old saying that “a little bit of something is good but too much of it causes problems”. What’s the solution for me….??? Take the mode of transportation away from Embarrassment, Shame & Guilt. What allows the three “thieves” to roam unchecked all the time in my mind…??? Basically my [specific faulty beliefs] appear to function like a type of transportation, that allows these “specters” to stifle my general personal progress,…often times in very specific areas of my life.

For example,…I’m confident and bountifully excellent at growing vegetables,…yet stifled at growing my social life in all areas,….Why is this…???! I have demonstrated good social skills(hygiene, dress & appearance, conversational, etc.), I’m personable, likeable and in addition to all this I’m a Handsome-Man-Hunk. I have full awareness of my behavior that I currently exhibit by openly hiding away socially like I used to as a child when the guns and knives came out and the fighting started between my parents. Sometimes as a child,…I would hide away in [anticipation] of the violence at certain times during the day. As a child I chose a [safety protocol], a [belief system] at some point. Today at 48 years old, that same belief system appears to be functioning deep within me on a daily basis,…mostly without my specific awareness because it is usually instantaneous in application and definitely antiquated, dust ridden and it is time for a change. It’s as if my brain is automatically attempting to prevent me from experiencing some dreaded event before it even happens,….even if the situation never ever takes place in reality. Rather than simply living relatively joyously from day-to-day,….I simply exist with minimal human interaction. I know where I learned this pattern of thinking and behaving,…it is rooted in my family of origin where my preconceived worse fears actually got confirmed on a daily basis for 13 years when the parental fighting started. Unfortunately for me,…when I finally got out of the violent situation at age twenty-one,….my brain continued to function as if I were still living with my parents and the fighting. In addition to all this,…typical sporadic worldly experiences happened that further bolstered my [brain’s automatic pattern] of protectionist thinking in this manner. So in short,…my brain has never really known any other way during the past 40 years. I’ve had to peal-off and address multiple layers of issues, one by one,…year to date,…by utilizing different techniques. There has been no quick-fix for me. Something’s about to change drastically at a core level if I have my way…!!! In a few days,…I will start a program offered by Jack Canfield called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or Tapping). Several days ago I ordered his new book from HayHouse.com and it comes with a tutorial DVD. This is a choice to utilize an “economically affordable” resource that will allow me to [immediately take action] and potentially realize additional change on a profound core level.

Tapping Into Ultimate Success: How to Overcome Any Obstacle and Skyrocket Your Results by Jack Canfield; Pamela Bruner; Hardcover with DVD ISBN:978-1-4019-3955-7

Conclusion: This why I find it difficult to get out and about. This is what I will do to help myself at this time. This is how you can and did help me,…you asked a profound series of questions from a genuinely supportive place.

Thank you “Miss San Diego”.

 

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