“Quest for Freedom Within Freedom”

07/03/2012

By Howard Lovely, Jr.

Within a free Nation and on the eve of Independence Day, I search for my on personal freedom. The “lacking” that I search for can not be legislated by intellectuals or politicians,…nor can it be forged into a vivid document comprised of wood-pulp / parchment, ink and words. What I seek within myself can not be infused by well-meaning words from Clergy or Gurus of any type. There are no bullets, bombs or other weapons powerful enough to penetrate the [seemingly] indomitable invisible “walls” of Mental-Illness,…an internal-external double walled fortress comprised of anguish, sorrow, frustration, stigma, fear, shame, guilt, humiliation and emasculation to say the least. Years ago this fortress went up so fast within me,…much like an inflatable Bouncy-Castle at a child’s Birthday party,…minus the joy and laughter of course,…a kind of instant inflatable mental prison. Though inherently intrusted with the power of my personal protection,…my body’s nervous system has long since gone rogue; nevertheless, a peace accord is currently being negotiated between my brain, sympathetic nervous system and all the cells within my body. For the past forty years a discord has raged within me and during the immediate previous 7 years,…a restoration of internal balance has been in the works. There has been no fan fare, parades or celebration,…just a calming of my mind and nervous system one day at a time,…plus a returning of unbridled confidence that I have faint memories of having possessed long ago as a child. My recovery process continues to be much like the difference between the violent winds of a past hurricane,…transformed to an early morning gentle breeze,…with the occasional disruptive gust. Although I’m out of the prison cell, I have not cleared the prison grounds as I continue my [inner] quest for freedom.

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