“Dating Question, Jigsaw Puzzle And Answers I Don’t Have”

07/23/2012

By Howard Lovely, Jr.

I recently met a Woman online (conscioussingles.com) that lives just 20 miles away. She’s a seemingly nice enough person also and we have exchanged Skype calls many times since we met a week ago. Yesterday she asked me if I like Indian food,..I said yes. then she asked if I had any favorite restaurant and I felt my entire body tense-up like a stretched rubber band. As much as I have attempted in detail,…to pre-explain my challenges via my personal profile on the dating web-site and on my Blog,…this individual told me that she didn’t see anything about my challenges on either location,…I was baffled to say the least,…unless she was simply messing with me for shits and grins. Which would’nt be very good at all. I knew what was coming because I’ve been through it so many times with Women that I’m attracted to and flirt with,…the dreaded unspoken demand for explanations about my Mental-Illness,…that sounds something like this in my head as a Man,…”now explain to me why you’re such a panty-waste?”, “scaredie-cat?”, “wimp?”. The female mental equivalent might sound like,…”is my ass too big?”, “is my ass too small?”, “are my tits the right size?”, “do I weigh too much?”, “do I weigh too little?”,…etc.,. Either way we all have our profound societal & cultural induced insecurities that can get connected / rooted into very real psychosis such as PTSD. Anyway,….I said to her: “I don’t have a favorite restaurant”,…”I haven’t been to a restaurant in a long time and can’t remember the last time”. She pressed with her questioning by asking the following: “How do you plan to date?”. It was at this point that my body tensed-up furiously,…I struggled to hide it,…and I was aware of my inner shame,…and began to break eye contact by looking away as I fell silent,…and I definitely didn’t want this Woman that I was attracted to,…to see my Soul crying. I’m a Man damn it! I felt to myself. From my indirect gaze and tension in my body,..I answered,…”I guess I’m not ready”. My voice was void of any aliveness and vivid words that could give this Woman the answer she must have wanted to hear from me. She commented that she didn’t mean to judge me and I said,…”your question is valid”,…”I’m just not ready”. In that moment,…I realized that this would not work out between she and I. After sleeping on the matter and 12 hours since the conversation,…I woke up with a little more specific clarity. It was not that I’m not ready for a relationship internally,…as I told the Lady last evening,….I simply don’t know how to date externally,… while living with PTSD, Frustration, Shame, embarrassment and Pain,…that typically arise instantly,…and,…the pressure that I often feel to be “normal” as if there is no problem or challenge. Going out to a restaurant or any social function are activities that are typically taken for granted in society; however, I have been long since cured of that. I realize that it was my internal psycho-emotional “stuff” that caused me to fall silent and feel like a stretched rubber band. I guess as a single Man who adores Women,….I pride myself on having answers and “providing”,…and when this is clearly threatened from within myself,…it’s humiliating to say the least. How does a Man(me) that can do all that I’m capable of such as fix my car, fix an airplane, grow food, cook, write, educated formally & informally, flirt with a Woman and speak articulately,…yet I can not and do not know how to fix my internally broken “something”,…or whatever it is that is broken in me. I simply don’t have the answer to give to any Woman that might ask “How do you plan to date if you can’t go out and socialize?”. This morning,…my answer to this valid question is: very creatively such as an un-crowded walk in the park, quiet picnic, weekend scenic drive, cook lunch together,..etc.,..with a willing and creative Woman,….that’s how. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for you my sweetness wherever you are,…but for now,..I’m still a single Handsome-Man-Hunk with a lot of open heart, skills and very few answers to a seemingly simple question.

Although the appearance of each challenge may vary in form, most things in life are like a metaphorical jigsaw puzzle,…similar to dis-assembling the front-end on my car in the photo above,….I just have to fit the pieces together. Somehow I may even have to create needed pieces that have been lost due to the corrosive effects of environmental elements. Kind of like fabricating new side panels in the photo below for an old 1965 Chevy truck bed that has been rusted out. It’s a conceptual irony,…that a Guy like myself with such a messed-up life,…is a “Mr. Fix-It” trained mechanic,…I’m formally and informally trained to find and resolve / repair problems. Aint that a blip….!!! Ha!…Ha!…Ha!

 

3 Responses to ““Dating Question, Jigsaw Puzzle And Answers I Don’t Have””

  1. Wendy B said

    I also have to date creatively. I cant attend restaurants either. My dates are in the park!

    • Wendy,…

      How do the Guys respond to you when tell them that you have to be creative with dating…???
      How do they respond if you tell them that you can’t go to a restuarant…???

      Howard Lovely, Jr.

  2. Hello Wendy,…

    Thank you for understanding the concept of creativity within a relationship / dating…
    I wish you lived 20 miles from me. 😉

    Howard Lovely, Jr.

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